Miss P showed yesterday. And would you believe it, I cried?
Cried. All. Day. Long. Because apparently I am in massive denial. I tell myself that I'm not ready for a baby, this isn't the right time, this is not something I really want, and that way, when the disappointment hits, it's not so crushing.
I am totally, utterly disgusted with myself for blubbering like a wuss. It's not as if someone died. It's not as though I've actually lost anything or anyone. So why am I so fucking sad?
Maybe it's because I know this is something I can't have, now or maybe ever, and yet I can't let it go. I just can't. If the man who raped me is able to have a child with his (lovely, I'm sure) wife, to my mind, there's no reason under heaven that I shouldn't also have that privilege, and that happiness. If he can have it, why can't I?
Well, that's just base jealousy, and I'm not proud of it, but I'm going to call a spade a spade, here. I'm jealous. That man took so much from me, and I remember how I cried when I found out he'd gotten married. Not because I still loved him or anything so sick and twisted. No, it's just that that was what I wanted, that was my secret wish, to marry and have a family, and here I was, engaged to Sid, and it was like a slap in the face that that miserable excuse for a human being should have what I wanted, before I'd even had a crack at it. And I sound like some spoiled little brat.
You're probably thinking, starky, this isn't a race, and you'd be right. But I'm going to be totally honest with you, it absolutely feels like that asshole has stolen something vital from me, and I must do something to get it back, reclaim it. He took the things I wanted more than anything else and he made them his. Do you see what I mean? It feels as though everything is right in his life, and everything is wrong in mine.
And that's downright ungrateful and petty of me, because Sid tries his best to make me happy, and it's not his fault that I feel like something's missing. It shouldn't be his responsibility to fill the gaps left by someone else's stupidity and jealousy.
So buck up, starky, you silly cow. Nothing's going to change, because nothing can change, and you're being an ungrateful little bitch.