Friday, January 18, 2008

disgusted with myself

Miss P showed yesterday. And would you believe it, I cried?

Cried. All. Day. Long. Because apparently I am in massive denial. I tell myself that I'm not ready for a baby, this isn't the right time, this is not something I really want, and that way, when the disappointment hits, it's not so crushing.

I am totally, utterly disgusted with myself for blubbering like a wuss. It's not as if someone died. It's not as though I've actually lost anything or anyone. So why am I so fucking sad?

Maybe it's because I know this is something I can't have, now or maybe ever, and yet I can't let it go. I just can't. If the man who raped me is able to have a child with his (lovely, I'm sure) wife, to my mind, there's no reason under heaven that I shouldn't also have that privilege, and that happiness. If he can have it, why can't I?

Well, that's just base jealousy, and I'm not proud of it, but I'm going to call a spade a spade, here. I'm jealous. That man took so much from me, and I remember how I cried when I found out he'd gotten married. Not because I still loved him or anything so sick and twisted. No, it's just that that was what I wanted, that was my secret wish, to marry and have a family, and here I was, engaged to Sid, and it was like a slap in the face that that miserable excuse for a human being should have what I wanted, before I'd even had a crack at it. And I sound like some spoiled little brat.

You're probably thinking, starky, this isn't a race, and you'd be right. But I'm going to be totally honest with you, it absolutely feels like that asshole has stolen something vital from me, and I must do something to get it back, reclaim it. He took the things I wanted more than anything else and he made them his. Do you see what I mean? It feels as though everything is right in his life, and everything is wrong in mine.

And that's downright ungrateful and petty of me, because Sid tries his best to make me happy, and it's not his fault that I feel like something's missing. It shouldn't be his responsibility to fill the gaps left by someone else's stupidity and jealousy.

So buck up, starky, you silly cow. Nothing's going to change, because nothing can change, and you're being an ungrateful little bitch.

1 comment:

Roy said...

Sorry, I had to edit:

Sweetie, you are entirely too hard on yourself.

Granted, I do not have the personal experience that you have, in feeling that I deserve what others have, but you need to understand that every one wishes that they had something that someone else has.

It is human nature. It does not mean that you need to hit yourself on the head with a frying pan because of frustration.

Save that frying pan for the man-animal.

So many times I have looked at young rich kids who get everything they want or need, and it makes me sick because I think to myself "why couldn't I have gotten what I wanted?"

Well, simply put: life is not fair. Get used to it. That is all I can state.

Life feeds some of us shit, and life treats others like royalty of the universe. Nothing can really be done unless one decides to make the right decisions in bettering one's life.

Of course, the best course of action is being happy with what you already have. Know that simplicity is true happiness.