Monday, January 26, 2009

I am a contrary bitch

Sid called home this morning, foaming-at-the-mouth angry about a woman who was driving like a bat out of hell with a kid in the backseat. He said, "What if she gets into an accident? Doesn't she care that she's putting her kid in danger?!" and I thought to myself, so it isn't just me. I thought I was insane for getting so angry at shit like that. And I thought Sid would think I was batshit crazy if I told him just how mad it made me.

If I'm crazy, then Sid and I are going crazy together.

He admitted that he got crazy jealous the other day when one of the guys he hangs out with said he wasn't going to have time to do whatever it was they were talking about because he was going out to do something with his son. Sid said, "it kind of made me jealous - he doesn't know what we're going through, of course - but I kind of took it personally. Like, he has no idea, he doesn't know how lucky he is that he has a kid to spend time with."

Yes, it isn't just me.

There were so many times I was really kind of mad at him, because I thought that he didn't understand how it felt to have my friends rag on and on about their pregnancies. How seeing people take their children for granted was like salt in an open wound. Now I'm just sad that he gets to feel it, too, because it sucks. It really, really sucks.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

yes, this

Casual Blasphemies has a post today that really resonated with me. One part in particular really hit home, where Jane says:

But I also know that corner of me, that corner of me that I would do absolutely anything to vanquish, to silence, to shut up once and for all ... that corner of me that ... will not/cannot process why I'm not worthy ... that corner that I want so much to STOP CARING because it is CHILDISH TO EXPEND ALL THIS ENERGY ON IT (and write about omg), will be scratching at me...gnawing. Knocking at the door like the fucking Land Shark, determined to remind me at every turn that I am not the girl that gets a happy ending ...

She has fucking nailed it. The more I attempt to process the reality of my situation, that hey, you know, all those heartbroken posts on infertility blogs, they aren't just stories anymore, the more I want to run away from it. And I can't. I may shut those thoughts down for an hour, a day, whatever, but it's always in the back of my head, it's always going to come back. Just going to the grocery store anymore is an exercise in hopelessness: inevitably, I pass a person dragging around three or four kids, and I think, it will never be so easy for me and it fucking hurts. I will pass a person with a child that they are showing nothing but contempt for, and I just feel sick. The simple act of just living my life suddenly yields so much sadness and anger that lately I find I just don't want to bother.

Because, like Jane said above, there is nowhere to go to get away from it, there is nothing that can be done to silence it.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

sanctity of life, my fucking ass

This pisses me right off. I've heard of the Neumanns, heard of what they did to their daughter, and reading that article made me furious. People think it's okay for them to just sit back and let their child die? People are so afraid of hurting religion's precious little feelings that they don't want to outright condemn the actions of those nuts? Because I have no trouble at all calling a spade a spade, here: the Neumanns are fucking murderers.

Some religious people like to talk about the "sanctity of life" when referring to the cute little eensy aborted fetuses. The baaaabeeeees deserve life! God wants them to live! Look, if your religion also condones letting a born child suffer and die for lack of medical attention, you have no fucking call to be talking about "sanctity of life". Kara Neumann was treated like trash, discarded and left to rot. Where is the sanctity in that? She was a ten year old girl with hopes and dreams and her whole life ahead of her. And her parents shat it away in the name of God. They let her suffer, watched her lie motionless, moaning and unable to speak or move, until she died. And they did this in the name of God.

What makes the Neumanns any different than the parents of Sanam Navsarka? Both children suffered until they died, if for different reasons. Both girls were neglected. Both died because of their parents actions. And yet we will condemn the actions of Zahbeena Navsarka and Subhan Anwar, call them murderers - charge them with murder - but Leilani and Dale Neumann did it for God, did it for religion, so they'll only be charged with reckless endangerment? In my eyes, they're equally culpable.

There is no sanctity in neglect, no sanctity in murder. And no sanctity of life, judging by the actions of the Neumanns.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

good news and bad news

Sid's heart is fine. The doctor was quite impressed at how efficiently it worked: he termed it "a very athletic heart". So that's good. But they still don't know what it is that's causing his chest pain, so they're running more tests.

In other - not so great - news, the results of his second semen analysis are in, and things in that department are not looking so hot. Nothing we didn't already know, though, it just sucks to finally have confirmation.

I don't really have a lot to say about either thing, really. It is what it is.

Monday, January 12, 2009

well, fuck

Sid's been having chest pain. And not just like "chest pain" chest pain, we're talking the "left arm feeling funny with intermittent shortness of breath" bullshit, here.

He's getting an EKG today.

I suppose it goes without saying that I am scared shitless.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I got nothin'

If the first seven days of 2009 are anything to go by, this new year is going to be straddling the fence. I've got nothing to bitch about, which is good. But I've also got nothing to be happy about, which is...not so good.

I'm really indifferent to everything right now, which is probably the only thing saving me from total fucking foaming-at-the-mouth, tearing-out-my-hair craziness. So at the moment, I'm really kind of glad for that.