Sid called today. He asked "how are the cats?" I said "fine." He asked "how are you?" I said "fine." He asked "can you mail the PT shorts I forgot to pack?" I said "I'd planned to mail them with your care package."
There was nothing to talk about. What am I supposed to say? Well, it rained again, for the third day in a row, and it totally matches my mood right about now. The cats are eating and sleeping and pooing as usual, and I biked 20 miles today as usual. Everything's the same as when you left. I get up in the mornings, do all the things that need doing, and lie awake all night. Everything is exactly the same. And just so you know, in my bad moments, I imagine all the things I could do to hurt you as badly as I'm hurting right now.
Somehow, I just don't think that's going to go over well.
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It seems that we are always lost in a sea of despair, struggling to find exactly who we are. Clinging to another, like a life raft, keeps us afloat for a short time, but then we drown again and again. It seems that life is a dark cloud hanging over our heads, filling us with despair. We cling to the past because it is the only comfort during the changing times we cannot accept. Sometimes, I wonder if it would not be beneficial to disappear between the fabric of day and night, to exist not in either world but in between where chaos made more sense than what reality was putting me through. The shadows merge with the light, making me see things that aren't there, and I wonder if this is the day that I finally find myself where I belong. Will it all melt away, will it all become quiet? Will I finally be at peace with my own raving mind?
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