it's done

Last night, I said goodbye to Sid and dropped him off at the pier.

I make it sound so simple. But it was one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I'm so glad that I'll never have to go through it again. All day I had been telling myself that I wouldn't cry, not even when he said goodbye to the cats, because that always chokes me up.

I cried. If I hadn't thought he'd turn around and look, I'd have sat in the car and bawled. He kept saying "don't cry" through his own tears, so what the hell was I going to do? Laugh? I have nothing but respect for the families who go through this with children...it's hard enough to make sense of this, myself, without having to explain it to a child.

The cats know something is amiss. I didn't get home from the pier until 1 AM, and I was so tired I just left the bedroom door open. The cats came in there and were smelling around and wailing and trying to climb in Sid's dresser drawers. They know. No one can convince me otherwise.

Part of me is relieved. I don't have to fear the goodbye anymore, it's done.