I am not okay today. I just want to start by saying that. This is not a good day for me, not at all, and I am not okay. Whatever I say here, I won't mean it tomorrow. Tomorrow I will regret everything. But not today.
When I was in the bath earlier, I kept imagining what would happen if I just put my head under the water and didn't come back up. Where the fuck did a thought like that come from?! It scared me, and now I'm sitting here crying because I don't know what the fuck my problem is, and I don't want to be around anyone right now, but I don't want to be alone.
I wish I could be somewhere else - I just typed "someone else" and I guess that applies as well. Where can I go to get away from everything? Where on this earth can I go where the demons from this day won't find me?
It's been seven years, and in so many ways, it's like it all happened yesterday. Merry fucking Christmas.