Friday, October 10, 2008

left out

Two more of my friends are pregnant. This makes - what - five? Six? I saw one of them typed an announcement on one of the message boards and it was like a punch to the gut. It hurt, and a tiny little strangled noise came out of my throat when I exhaled, and then suddenly, I couldn't draw another breath without sobbing.

I have two tries left; next week, and next month, and then that's it. If it doesn't happen then, it just isn't going to happen at all. I don't even want to try, because I feel like if I have to go through the disappointment one more time, I will break. Once when I was little, very little, I wrote a story about someone who cried until they until they died. I didn't know I was writing about myself.


Queermo said...

You are thinking that a pregnancy must happen according to a schedule, and that is not only a blight upon your part but also your ignorance showing forth.

Guess what, I will finally speak my mind. Woman, you have at least ten more years to bear one child. It is not like you are planning to bear an army like so many others.

Give yourself a fucking break. You have many more fertile years to worry about bearing a child. When you are so young as you are, it makes me sick to think that you are worrying as though your life will end next year.D

Give yourself a friggin break. When you are in your late thirties and you still have not born a child, then it is time to worry.

Darling, I am only trying to help you.

You know that I love you more than anything.

starky said...

I know it sounds pathetic. Believe me, what you're saying is nothing I haven't told myself a billion times.

The thing is, Sid and I would like to have a child before August. Which means that if I'm not pregnant by December, it's just not happening in the foreseeable future. And even though "not right now" doesn't mean "ever", it fucking feels like it where I'm at right now.

It's hard enough to lose a pregnancy I wanted very, very much, and now seeing and hearing about other women who have what I lost just kills me. It's a constant reminder of what I lost, and I hate myself for being jealous of them.

Surely you can understand that much of it, the self-loathing, even if you don't understand anything else.

Queermo said...

"Surely you can understand that much of it, the self-loathing"

Of course, I understand.